what brings me back to blogging?

I know, I know. I haven't been much of a blogger since...well...STINT. First it was because I didn't feel like I had anything to write, then it was because I felt I didn't have enough time to write. I'm not sure if it's the nature of Christmas break, watching Julie & Julia, the comfort of the borrowed-Snuggie I'm wearing, or that I'm actually rested enough to string together some coherent thoughts, but look out blogging world, I'm back. But if we're being honest (some call it pessimistic, I just call it real) this may be the last post for another year or so.

Yes, I think it was the movie Julie&Julia that inspired me to blog. I decided if I were to blog again, I'd want to review movies. Because, well, I've been watching a lot of movies lately and I've realized I trust my friends' reviews of movies over those people who are paid to review movies. So, here's my attempt at being a movie critic. I mean, I did take a film class in college, so that makes me qualified, right?

The Blindside:
I'm going to be brutally honest. I looked forward to church all week because I had plans to see this movie after service. Praise the Lord for the 5 Buck Club and popcorn lunch. Nothing makes you feel more white trash than sneaking in your Burger King chicken nuggets, only to order the Large Mega Tub Combo with 2 Diet Cokes. (yes, this was the lunch I split with my friend, Sarah). Nothing makes you feel like more of a fatty fatty two-by-four like ordering a Large Mega Tub, and nothing makes you feel more like an oxymoron than ordering the Large Mega Tub Combo with Diet Coke. I am an Ellen Degeneres joke.

Nonetheless, the movie was everything I was looking for in a post-church Sunday afternoon activity. Better than a nap, The Blindside made my heart warm the entire film. And you know that part of the movie you know is coming and hate, but know is necessary so the ending is even sweeter? The part when it all hits the fan and you get really sad and angry, even though you know it all has to turn out all right? Well, two thumbs up, because that part was short and bearable. The Blindside makes me want to look outside my own community and love those less fortunate than I. It also makes me want to adopt a black adolescent, but I have a feeling I'd have better luck just dating one. Too much? All that said, I say see The Blindside in the 5 buck club. It's worth going to a theater for.

As for DVD Rentals, I Redboxed (yes, that's a verb, now) Julie&Julia and I have mixed feelings about it. There were times that I giggled in glee, and I definitely loved Meryl Streep's performance as Julia Child. She played it brillantly and I loved Julia more for it. However, I was a bit disturbed by the way Julie idolized Julia, taking it to a creepy level by saying how Julia would get her through, how she was always there for her, etc. Julia became her Jesus and it just made me feel uncomfortable. It did, however, provide great comic fodder for my roommate Elizabeth. As she headed home to PA, leaving me alone in Muncie, she reminded me, "If you ever get lonely, remember....Julia is always with you." Ridiculous! Also, the movie just went on a little too long. So what's my overall review: this is a great movie to rent if you have other things you can be multi-tasking with. If not, probably not worth your time.

So there you go, blogging world. My movie reviews. Hope you can all benefit from these incredible insights:).

so i've been enjoying some web videos that are not new, but get funnier every time i watch them. enjoy.

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/the-lawrence-welk-show/727501/

just a thought

i've just been recently catching up on some tv shows i've been missing out on the past month....namely the trifecta: 30 rock, the office and chuck. thank you, nbc. well done. if you're not watching these shows, you should change that immediately.

as i watched the bonus features of 30 rock, because i'm awesome like that, i happened upon a web dialogue taking place below. and a trend i've noticed with any sort of online discussion, whether it be looking for advice on how to download the latest pokemon template for your myspace page, or even how to best make chocolate chips cookies on all recipes.com, there seems to always be some sort of online scuffle going down when web discussion is involved.

and as i read the online trash talk, i began to wonder what kind of people were taking part in these conversations. i don't necessarily think it's the typically hostile or abrasive types. i think they get their fill in real life. no, i like to think that it is some quiet librarian, minding her p's and q's all day long, who comes home, takes down that bun, and then engages in what i can only deem as an online cage fight. and for some reason, that makes me chuckle a bit.

between that and the new bathroom publication, "fecal matters", i came up with today, i'm feeling like my old, creative self. and i'll let you know when "fecal matters" hits the stalls...i mean, stands.

East Asia Update

Yeah, I whipped that title up in 30 seconds. Creative Genius? Perhaps.

Although i don't have any fantastically hilarious stories to keep you laughing, I thought I'd share a little about my spring break trip to East Asia.

It all started at 3:30am Friday, March 6. I had gotten a solid hour of sleep before I joined a caravan to the Indianapolis airport. Giddy that I had the least amount of suitcases I've ever taken to East Asia, 1/3 or which were filled with goodies for other people, I crammed into a borrowed van with 5 of my best friends and hit the road, embarking on our adventure. And I'd like to thank the motorcycle man for his patriotic send-off on 465...decked in leather at 4:30 with a huge American flag flapping in the wind, he inadvertently escorted us all the way to the airport. And I'd be lying if I said we didn't break out into "America the Beautiful" AND "The Star-Spangeled Banner." Then we flew. And we flew. And then we flew some more. From Indy to Denver, to San Fran, to East Asia. And amazingly, although our flights were scheduled right after the other, and although there were mild delays, we made each flight, only having to wait 20 minutes before boarding the entire series. Needless to say, we cut it short, but we made it. On the international flight, which is always a bear...12 hours of straight flying, I scored an aisle seat across from Heather Harris with my roomie Kristin on my right side. The movie selection looked promising...Slumdog Millionaire, which I'd resigned I'd never see until it came to the Muncie Public Library because I'm a bit...how to say...frugal, The Express, a classic sports triumph movie, The Secret Life of Bees, and a few more I forget right now. It had all the makings of a great flight. So I watched Slumdog on the 1 inch screen provided for me with headphones that I think were bought on a Goodwill clearance rack, which I think it the only way to watch an Academy-approved film. And then hour 4 hit and I thought I was going to die of restless leg syndrome, if that's possible. So I grabbed Heather and we had a dance party in the back of the airplane while my friend Kate laughed at us.

Flash forward, we finally landed, got everyone situated, got the hotel, ate, slept, ate, then got on another 2hr plane ride to my beautiful Asian hometown. And as we boarded the bus and took a familiar drive from the airport to my side of the city, I was struck by how much it had changed. The dirt-covered mountains had grown just a shade greener than before. 10-story apartment complexes now stood tall in the sky where dirt huts had once been. And as we neared my old campus, I hardly recognized where I was. And all the change hit me when we pulled into the hotel we'd be staying at, which was not even a block from where I'd lived when I first went to EA. And when I left, it wasn't a hotel...it was a janky apartment complex. So much had changed, and I had not been there for it. And that was incredibly hard. Just like when I came back to the States after having been gone for 2 years and my friends had gotten married and had babies, Greensburg got (and lost) a Starbucks, my dad had gotten a new job, etc. So I mourned the loss of what once was by crying for about 15 minutes, then I got it together and went to the market. And that felt like home. Although it was a little cleaner that I remember before, meaning the animal carcasses that once hung on hooks in the open air were now behind little walls in the open air, it just felt right. My language came back as I began bartering for pineapples and bananas, and all felt right with the world.

And experiencing a culture like East Asia with people who are experiencing it for the first time is such a treat! It was great to see how the students and interns were seeing the city...how they found split pants, kids peeing on the street, open air markets, playing Frogger to cross the street, eating meat on a stick, riding in cabs that may have been trained by watching the movie Death Race, and the overall "differentness" of the East Asian city so hilarious and new. To me, it was like walking through the halls of my old high school. Familiar in setting, but so very, very different.

This is going much longer than I had anticipated, but overall, it was a great week. I was able to put some of my language skills to use to be helpful for the group, I had a blast with my team, I got to see my old team and meet a few new friends who are doing work there currently, I got to spend time with the STINTers, and I was blessed to meet up with some of my old East Asian friends, both Christian and non-Christian. I cherished the conversations I got to have with them. One particularly encouraging one was w/my Muslim friend. Through a series of events I hunted her down and went to her dorm room. And as I talked awkwardly with her and her 7 roommates (imagine how awkward it is after you haven't seen a friend for a couple years...then add cultural and language barriers and that is what I felt) we just mainly exchanged look s and as she stared at me with a dull gaze, which may have been because I had wakened her from her nap, or just because she was in pure shock, she said "I feel like I'm dreaming right now" which I found hopelessly adorable. And I so desperately wanted to see if she'd been thinking more about Christianity, to ask her if she had thought more about Jesus since I'd left her, but was prohibited because of the other 6-7 girls in the room. So I left about 15 minutes later, disappointed. But as I waited for another friend by the school gate I got a call from my sweet Muslim friend and she asked if she could come bring me a gift. So I stood by the school gate, snow coming down, and she brought me a little parting gift that she'd scrounged together in the 15 minutes we'd been apart. And then I realized...here is my opportunity to have a spiritual conversation. And I heard how she had been reading her Bible, and how these missionaries were sharing with her. They gave her some Christian books to read and at first she just read them because she wanted to see the differences between Christianity and Islam, but something happened in her heart and she saw how they could apply to her personally. She realized the information was good for her life. And as she said these words, my heart lept with joy as I realized the goodness of the Lord. He used me to plant the seed for 3 years ago. And I left not knowing what would happen with that seed, or how effective I'd been. Then I realized...it really is the Lord who pursues and changes hearts. And He can choose to let me see the fruit of my labor, or He can allow someone else the change to see the fruit. But ultimately, it was His job to make the fruit grow. And He cares for my Muslim friend, He cares for all my friends in East Asia, and He is truly at work there. And the cool thing is that He's at work in my heart, too.

So, I have some funny stories I could share, and may share at some later time, but overall, the trip confirmed a few things for me.

1. I still love East Asia, but maybe not in the way I used to.
2. God is at work there.
3. I am not there right now.
4. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
5. I love getting hour-long full body massages for $5.

I finally found my sugar daddy!

So I was reading my Bible in Panera last Thursday when this older gentleman approached me and initiated a conversation.

Him: "I see you're reading your Bible."
Me: "Yes, yes I am" glancing at him with a furrowed brow.
Him: "So how do you feel about Jesus?"
Me: The brow furrows higher. "Well, I like him so much I made a living out of telling people about him."
Him: "Oh, what do you do?"
Me: "I work with a campus organization called CRU. Are you familiar with it?"
Him: "I am. In fact, I was on the original team that funded the ministry. Do you happen to need any financial support?"
Me: Unbelieving I look at him and reply, "In fact, I need $400/month."
Then he pulled out a check book and finished me off right then and there.

Sound unbelievable? Well, that's because it's a complete lie. I wish I had this ridiculous tale to tell about how all my financial support came in. Actually, I wish I could just remember how it all came in. All I know is that I was trying to convince my support coach to let me go to East Asia for spring break and then next thing I know I was going to East Asia and I was done with support. And now I'm "on campus" with my head still spinning around trying to catch my breath and "get" what just happened.

I am so grateful for all the people who made sacrifices to financially support the ministry I get to be a part of at Ball State and am amazed at the Lord's provision. Although I'm not sure why He chose the timing He did, I trust that He's going to be the one to catch me up to speed.

So this week I'm getting adusted to full-time ministry in the States and I'm going to the Every Student Conference (formerly Life Options) in Indianapolis (Katie, Emily, want to hang out???)

Music recommendation of the day:
Brooke Fraser-the entire Albertine album. Her lyrics are pure poetry and the vocals are to die for.

"the chili button stuck"

so i'm trying this new thing in 2009....becoming a healthier person. in fact, i even made a list of all the ways i would become healthier
-spiritually
-emotionally
-physically
-financially
-relationally
-musically

and to top that, i even made some practical steps of how i'd actually accomplish those goals. for a former ENFP, this is a big deal. i say former because i'm claiming the new ESFP personality that facebook gives me 50% of the time. ESFPs just seem more grown up and mature.

and to my surprise, i actually started to follow-up on these steps. as a P, you know, this is monumental. i mean, i can brainstorm all day long, but to actually put something into practice...well, that's something to hold hands across america about.

the first step: bought an alumni rec pass so i could use the ball state gym facilities. in the 2 weeks i've only used it to play walleyball, but i think the fact that i used it at all deserves a cookie. so i made some. and ate them. and should probably go use that gym pass. in time. slow and steady.

the area i've actually been doing pretty well in is financially. to the surprise of many, i'm sure, i don't make a ton of money w/my high profile "missionary" position with campus crusade. and i'm actually on a reduced salary while i finish up raising my financial support, but up to this month i haven't been living like it. thai smile, taco bell runs, bowling, batting cages, coffee dates; these are all things i really like doing. and i do. and i picked up this pesky desire to treat people to things, as well. that came when i lived in East Asia and a fancy meal cost $3. and although the cost of living has increased about 10% for me in america, i don't let it stop me from acting like it. which isn't a bad thing, but maybe not the best thing to do every time i go out. so i've seen my savings slowly dwindle and i thought to myself, "self, maybe you should try to live on a budget". and so i made one. then i put it away and went out for dinner. but then 2009 came along and i decided to make one and actually stick by it. and i found it wasn't as hard as i thought it would be. i did have to make a lot more meals at home, but i learned that i like cooking for others even more than taking them out to eat. and then i get to impress the masses with my mad, ponderosa steakhouse cooking skills. you know...add water. ok, maybe not, but i'm not opposed.

well a good friend of mine decided to move to africa to do missions work and she planned a last hurrah with some of her closest friends. from california to south carolina, 7 people, only connected by one friend, went to louisville, ky, for a weekend of hilarity, fun, and fellowship. now, i was stoked for the weekend, but was under the impression that we'd be eating out a lot and generally spending a lot of money that weekend. but i didn't let my financial restrictions bother me. i decided i'd just buck up and make cheap choices. well it's pretty cool to see how the Lord provides, because i ended up spending $.41 of my own money the entire weekend! friday-monday, even! my friends parents paid for a few meals, provided a few others. and my sweet friend had gift certificates to restaurants and chose to share them with me! it was hard to accept the help from others, but i know how much i like to treat others, so i allowed them to treat me, this time. but my favorite, "resourceful" moment came as we were headed back to indy/muncie from louisville. i met my new friend, kate, in indy and she was kind enough to drive us to louisville and back. i told her if she drove i'd pay for gas and all the snacks we wanted if we went to speedway. last summer i had won about $100 worth of speedway gift certificates in a contest and have been conserving them so far. so monday i told her i'd treat her to a classy lunch at speedway. (yes, i am a high-roller). i was happy to see their food court has several decent options and we both went with the hot dogs from those roller grills. i noticed, next to the hot dogs were some nachos. and next to the nachos was a nacho cheese and chili dispensing machine! and like a heavenly revelation, i looked at the dog, then at the machine. back at the dog and at the machine again. lightbulb! CHILI CHEESE DOG! so with the enthusiasm of a 6yr old on christmas morning i pressed the chili button and ran my dog underneath it. and it started pouring out. and pouring out. and i thought that maybe it dispensed a pre-determined amount, but as the chili started filling up 1/3 of the basket my dog was in, i realized it was stuck. so i frantically weighed my options. pull out. no, that'd create a mess. keep going until a store clerk came to my rescue. no, they were busy. so i hit the chili button, finally unlodging it from it's "chili flood' position and laughed. the hot dog was almost completely submerged in a sea of chili. not wanting to waste anything, i squirted a little cheese on top and looked for some fritos for dipping. and honestly, i was pretty proud of my problem-solving skills in the moment. there was no waste, only good taste. and as proud as i was of my walking taco/hot dog idea, i was a little embarrassed that i was walking around with a basket of chili, so i felt the need to inform everyone around them "caution: the chili button sticks". whether they wanted to know or not, i told them.

isn't it amazing how easily our self-esteem can be brought down. too much chili. oh boy. it's like tripping over a pebble or running into a glass door. (name that reference and you get 2 friend points!)

but needless to say, i ended up staying at budget this month. i mean, except for the gym pass i bought. but that's necessary because of all the chili i ate at speedway.

just another way i'm failing...

with a debbie downer title like that, this has got to be good! so i started this new blog because i thought the layouts were pretty and i really enjoy reading about how my friends are doing. and katie, i read your blog regularly and it is such a source of entertainment for me. i'm a little afraid you're going to start charging to read your blog, it's that good. i don't have a lot of money, but i think i'd be worth it. and if only i was a better friend and returned the favor by updating my blog, but i don't have a lot of blog-worthy stuff to say. and by blog-worthy, i might just mean funny. in fact, i haven't felt very funny these days. and that used to mean, "i don't feel like myself these days", but i'm learning that i'm a little more than the funny girl.

what it comes down to is this: i'm learning a lot about myself this year. for about 25 years i went along thinking i was this really relaxed, carefree girl who just liked to have fun. actually, to put it more accurately, i went along not really thinking about who i was. i didn't think about what i liked or didn't like, how i felt about things, and i certainly didn't go digging down into the deep recesses of my mind and personhood. nope. i just enjoyed the moment. i lived for the moment. i didn't have a great grasp on who i really was. and in a series of unfortunate (or fortunate...this really is a glass empty/full debate, which i find a lot less annoying than the ole "carmel/car-a-mel debate, but i digress...) events, i've gotten to know myself better than i ever have before. and i learned i'm not as fun as i thought i was. and more than that, i've learned that i'm complex and a little jacked up... just like everyone else.

i think most people assume i'm a messy person in the cleaning respect. and they assume that i'm pretty laid back. and i wanted to believe that, but then i watched myself and realized, i'm a little uptight. there's a little more angela martin in me than i prefer to admit. and for those office fans, i watched a great webisode on nbc.com where angela kinney speaks on her character, angela martin. someone asked her why her character, angela, who is supposed to be a christian, has found herself torn between dwight and andy. and i was impressed by the way angela explained, uh, angela. she said that angela knew what the safe, right choice was to make. she wanted to live by the straight and narrow, she had a plan for her life, it all fit together with a pretty ribbon wrapped around it, but for some reason, she has this thing for dwight that just doesn't fit into her life plan. she just can't explain it. now, why am i talking about the office? well, i think it goes to show that even in hilarious, seemingly superficial shows like the office, we see the complexity of being a human. and i can identify with an uptight accountant like angela, who, at first glance, i would say i was the complete opposite of. although i can be fun, i can also be serious. and although i am laid back about some ideas, i'm also pretty rigid when it comes to others. and when it comes to chores, i can be a bit of a nazi. and although i thrive on performing for the masses, i'd rather just sit back and have a heart-to-heart with a friend. the truth is, there are things in my life that don't fit in with what i know and believe. there are thoughts, ideas, and feelings that don't seem to be the ideas, thoughts and feelings i "should" have. but just because i can't explain them, wrap them up in a pretty little box and tie it all together with a ribbon, and just because they don't seem like they're how i "should" feel or think, doesn't mean that they aren't legitimate. and this is something i've got to wrestle through.

for a girl who likes things put away, who likes to have an explanation for everything, and who likes to have her stuff together, i've been asked to keep it messy for a while. i've moved into a new house, figuratively, and i've been asked to keep my life in the boxes. and although it's incredibly uncomfortable living in the transition, i'm growing. and i'm learning that it's ok to be messy. and it's ok to not have it all together. and even more than that, i've seen how when you open yourself up and admit that you're a complete wreck, that's when the Lord comes in and shows you how He's the One who's holding you together. it was never that crappy ribbon of keeping up appearances that kept you together. it was never denying emotions, being carefree and fun, or being the "missionary" that kept you together. it was never hiding the truth that kept you together. the only way any of us make it through this world at all is simply the grace of God. He's the one who holds everything together. including me. and that's a vulnerable place to be. but it's real. and i'm a big fan of real these days.

so good luck following that train of thought. and upon reading it you may be concerned about ow i'm doing. and the truth is, i'm doing really well. life is hard, but i'm the most authentic i've ever been before. i'm seeing God more clearly than i ever have before. and i'm clinging to the Truth of the Bible more than i ever have before. i like being messy because i like being real. and real people have real issues. and i think one of the most freeing things in the world is to let others in on your junk. and i've learned that offering up your junk to someone makes it really easy for them to unload some burdens as well. and isn't that why we need each other, anyway?