How old are you?
So I was pumping gas into my 2008 Mazda 6 with tinted windows that most drug dealers would drool over, when a 60 year old man with a white, whispy beard and slicked back silver hair approached me, asking, "How old are you?" I legitimately had no idea where this conversation was about to go, but I sure as heck was along for the ride. I just don't have as many stories as I used to...that's probably because of the hermit-like status I've found myself living in and loving, especially in the winter months.
"31, I replied in the 2nd tone of Mandarin, which is the tone that starts low and rises...much like a question.
"Oh, you're older than I thought you were."
Feeling so incredibly flattered, I buckled up for what was next. Seriously, where was this guy going?
"I was gonna ask you if you've ever seen gas prices this low in your lifetime."
I guess I should be more grateful that it was a well-natured question, but I was really just disappointed that the story took such a boring turn. Nah, I'm grateful he wasn't a huge creepster. I was in the southside of Muncie after dark, which was probably like 5:15pm.
Speaking of daylight savings, I'd like to make a proposal to whoever makes decisions on what time it is. Can we work on a time zone that we call "sanity savings" or "good mood savings" where the sun doesn't go up untiil 10am and goes down around 9pm, thus allowing me to sleep-in guilt free and feel free to go for a walk after work? This will also require us all to agree that none of us will work when it is dark outside. Sound ok? Great.
So, now on to the real reason I'm writing this blog after a much-expected hiatus from blogging.
That encounter at the gas station reminded me of the fact that I really am a full-blown adult.
Am I the only adult who has no clue what they're really doing? I don't think I am, but I have often found myself saying, "If people knew how little I know about things, they'd be shocked and quite nervous." Seriously, I own a home, have a retirement plan, receive a Minister's Housing Allowance, and I know SO incredibly little about ALL of those things that it is incredibly alarming. I'm really afraid that I'm going to turn like 80 and realize I forgot to save enough money to get my robotic knee transplants (which I'm assuming will be a thing by the time I'm 80...I look forward to resembling a cyborg until I receive my resurrection body in glory.)
And it isn't just financial stuff I feel like I know far too little about. I also know nothing about politics even though I vote. Seriously, if I were ever to be interviewed by someone on a late night talk show about politics in a "people on the street" segment, I would be really great fodder to laugh at. I know very little about running a campus ministry even though I find myself doing so. I am also amazed by the things I do know about and continue to not act on (see: eating healthy foods and exercise). The older I get the more I realize that I know nothing and am capable of very little in my own effort. I am seriously living on the grace of God alone and the only reason I have anything together is that God is holding me together and ordaining my steps.
I ended an engagement about a month ago and the first week after it needed to keep discipling women and teaching people how to live for Jesus. I was so emotionally depleted and knew I legitimately had nothing to give, so I was utterly dependent on the Holy Spirit to get through every. single. moment. I was humbled, needy, dependent, and I saw God show up in HUGE ways.
The next week I was also incredibly emotionally depleted and really, REALLY had nothing to give. I remember talking with the Lord, crying out that I had nothing to give and I was incredibly dependent on Him to get through the next day. I resented the fact that I had absolutely nothing to offer. And yet, in the pauses of my complaint, I heard the still, small voice of God saying, "This is exactly how you need to be every day." And I hated it. I hated it because He was right. I hated it because it meant that I had to be humble. Needy. Dependent. And those are not attractive adjectives for a prideful, self-sufficient woman like me.
So in the moments when I realize I have nothing to give, nothing to offer, and feel like I really need to get myself together, I am reminded of the truth that I will never be able to get myself together. In fact, the safest and strongest place I'll ever find myself is completely undone and humbled before my Maker. In my weakness, He is strong. In my failings, He is perfect. And He has shared in my humility and limitations, taking on the form of man, so the He could free me from the slavery of self-sufficiency and help me find my sufficiency in His sufficient grace. He says, again and again, "my grace is sufficient for you."
That said, I'm not going to pretend to get it together this year. I'm not going to just pull myself by my bootstraps and try to dredge out another year. Instead, I'm going to try to be weak. Dumb. Humble. Teachable.
I'm not going to fake it when I don't understand something, but I'll allow myself to look like an idiot if it means I can actually learn something.
I'll let people know when I need help instead of waiting for someone to offer it. Let's be honest, most people want to help me but I pretend like I never need it. I'd like for that to change.
I'd like to ask more people to pray for me. Look for more accountability. Be more transparent. Be a little undone. Ok, maybe a-lot-undone. And I pray that as I do these things, I'll be drawing deeper and deeper into the depths of the grace of God.
Here's what I'd like to do this year:
-Make an actual budget and keep it
-Pay off debt
-Get to full-support with Cru
-Pray with people about real things regularly
-Spend more time with Jesus
-Get an eating plan in place and stick with it---like, get ACTUAL accountability
-Find a rythym for regular exercise
-Do something I've never done before!
-Go somewhere I've never gone before!
-Learn a new skill
-Read more books
-Take a step of faith every week
So, here's to a new year. I know that I can do none of those things in my own strength, so if by some chance you're reading this, you can keep me accountable.
"31, I replied in the 2nd tone of Mandarin, which is the tone that starts low and rises...much like a question.
"Oh, you're older than I thought you were."
Feeling so incredibly flattered, I buckled up for what was next. Seriously, where was this guy going?
"I was gonna ask you if you've ever seen gas prices this low in your lifetime."
I guess I should be more grateful that it was a well-natured question, but I was really just disappointed that the story took such a boring turn. Nah, I'm grateful he wasn't a huge creepster. I was in the southside of Muncie after dark, which was probably like 5:15pm.
Speaking of daylight savings, I'd like to make a proposal to whoever makes decisions on what time it is. Can we work on a time zone that we call "sanity savings" or "good mood savings" where the sun doesn't go up untiil 10am and goes down around 9pm, thus allowing me to sleep-in guilt free and feel free to go for a walk after work? This will also require us all to agree that none of us will work when it is dark outside. Sound ok? Great.
So, now on to the real reason I'm writing this blog after a much-expected hiatus from blogging.
That encounter at the gas station reminded me of the fact that I really am a full-blown adult.
Am I the only adult who has no clue what they're really doing? I don't think I am, but I have often found myself saying, "If people knew how little I know about things, they'd be shocked and quite nervous." Seriously, I own a home, have a retirement plan, receive a Minister's Housing Allowance, and I know SO incredibly little about ALL of those things that it is incredibly alarming. I'm really afraid that I'm going to turn like 80 and realize I forgot to save enough money to get my robotic knee transplants (which I'm assuming will be a thing by the time I'm 80...I look forward to resembling a cyborg until I receive my resurrection body in glory.)
And it isn't just financial stuff I feel like I know far too little about. I also know nothing about politics even though I vote. Seriously, if I were ever to be interviewed by someone on a late night talk show about politics in a "people on the street" segment, I would be really great fodder to laugh at. I know very little about running a campus ministry even though I find myself doing so. I am also amazed by the things I do know about and continue to not act on (see: eating healthy foods and exercise). The older I get the more I realize that I know nothing and am capable of very little in my own effort. I am seriously living on the grace of God alone and the only reason I have anything together is that God is holding me together and ordaining my steps.
I ended an engagement about a month ago and the first week after it needed to keep discipling women and teaching people how to live for Jesus. I was so emotionally depleted and knew I legitimately had nothing to give, so I was utterly dependent on the Holy Spirit to get through every. single. moment. I was humbled, needy, dependent, and I saw God show up in HUGE ways.
The next week I was also incredibly emotionally depleted and really, REALLY had nothing to give. I remember talking with the Lord, crying out that I had nothing to give and I was incredibly dependent on Him to get through the next day. I resented the fact that I had absolutely nothing to offer. And yet, in the pauses of my complaint, I heard the still, small voice of God saying, "This is exactly how you need to be every day." And I hated it. I hated it because He was right. I hated it because it meant that I had to be humble. Needy. Dependent. And those are not attractive adjectives for a prideful, self-sufficient woman like me.
So in the moments when I realize I have nothing to give, nothing to offer, and feel like I really need to get myself together, I am reminded of the truth that I will never be able to get myself together. In fact, the safest and strongest place I'll ever find myself is completely undone and humbled before my Maker. In my weakness, He is strong. In my failings, He is perfect. And He has shared in my humility and limitations, taking on the form of man, so the He could free me from the slavery of self-sufficiency and help me find my sufficiency in His sufficient grace. He says, again and again, "my grace is sufficient for you."
That said, I'm not going to pretend to get it together this year. I'm not going to just pull myself by my bootstraps and try to dredge out another year. Instead, I'm going to try to be weak. Dumb. Humble. Teachable.
I'm not going to fake it when I don't understand something, but I'll allow myself to look like an idiot if it means I can actually learn something.
I'll let people know when I need help instead of waiting for someone to offer it. Let's be honest, most people want to help me but I pretend like I never need it. I'd like for that to change.
I'd like to ask more people to pray for me. Look for more accountability. Be more transparent. Be a little undone. Ok, maybe a-lot-undone. And I pray that as I do these things, I'll be drawing deeper and deeper into the depths of the grace of God.
Here's what I'd like to do this year:
-Make an actual budget and keep it
-Pay off debt
-Get to full-support with Cru
-Pray with people about real things regularly
-Spend more time with Jesus
-Get an eating plan in place and stick with it---like, get ACTUAL accountability
-Find a rythym for regular exercise
-Do something I've never done before!
-Go somewhere I've never gone before!
-Learn a new skill
-Read more books
-Take a step of faith every week
So, here's to a new year. I know that I can do none of those things in my own strength, so if by some chance you're reading this, you can keep me accountable.
Comments
Just keep doing what you are doing and let God do His thing and all will be right in your world.