Background Apps Draining Your Energy?
I charge my cell phone every night because I'm responsible like that. (Read: Like many of you, I may have an unhealthy attachment to my phone and panic when my battery gets even remotely low.) Every once in a while I will start the morning off with that glorious green that is a full battery in the top right corner of my screen and an hour or so later, I'll look down and it has dipped to 70%. Then 50%. I haven't been using my phone long at all and yet, all the energy seems to be drained.
What causes that to happen? Some days it's fine. Other days, I'm 2 feet from my power cord at all times. No social distancing for us.
I have found that the culprit is usually some app, unbeknownst to me, running in the background, zapping my phone without me ever noticing.
And that is what life since March 2020 has felt like to me.
Whether I am aware of it or not, and I'm usually not because I have a gift for being woefully out of touch with my thoughts and feelings, there are so many things going on in the background of my life that have caused my tank to drain more quickly than usual.
I think you'll relate to some of these things:
-The constant concern of which surfaces I have touched, trying not to touch my face, and incessantly washing my hands.
-Constantly gauging how far 6 feet is.
-To return to church or not to return to church?
-The debate about whether I should visit a friend in real life. What if I get them sick? What if I get sick?
-Calculating every errand so it is the safest and most efficient.
-Navigating differing values on how to engage with COVID.
-Seeing posts on social media that grate against my very being, and deciding whether I want to just roll my eyes and move on, or put the energy into a conversation, knowing we are going to disagree.
-Racial injustice and tensions at the forefront, and figuring out whether I am checking out or fighting the good fight. Am I responding like Jesus would respond? Am I loving like He does?
-Feeling the tension of resting because we are in a global pandemic and taking advantage of every opportunity since I have a summer at home.
-Remembering to mask-up when I pop in a store to grab something.
The list goes on and on. And without me even realizing it, those tensions and thoughts are doing extra work in the background of my life without me really paying attention. I just know I feel like staying in bed all day, even though I don't "feel depressed".
But even more than those things, I have seen throughout my whole life, a pattern of thoughts that, like an app running in the background of my mind, are slowly draining the life from me.
-Am I doing enough?
-Is there something wrong with me?
-Am I worthy and deserving of love?
-Am I a fraud?
-Do people really like me?
-Would they want to be around me still if they knew the FULL picture?
This, I find, is the constantly line of questioning that resides in the background of my life. Of every decision. Every interaction.
Am I enough?
And it is draining the life out of me.
So, what do I do?
I wish I had a 3-step guide to finding these energy drains and living at 100% all the time.
How to work your way out of spiritual fatigue. Try harder. Figure it out.
But that's probably an indication of why I am where I am in the first place.
Did I mention I am a 3 on the enneagram?
The truth is, I'm still figuring it out. But from everything I see in Scripture, I need help. I need to ask the Lord to examine my heart. I need to take time to just be before Him. He helps me identify the drains. And He is my source of refreshment. And He WANTS to help me.
It is hard for me to allow Him to do this: to convince me that those doubts and questions are worth the effort it takes to identify. That I'm worth the time and energy. And that it's not all up to me, but He wants to meet me, to love me, and to refresh my soul. To remind me of the truth--that what He says about me is the most true thing about me. That it is ok that I am in process. That He loves me for me. Oh, I need Him so desperately. But I am so glad He hasn't left me as an orphan. I'm not on my own.
Romans 8:16-17 says:
The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.
The Spirit of God tells my Spirit that I'm God's child. He does that. I don't have to do it all. He will tell me who I am.
So I can sit and ask Him to remind me that I am His. I am enough because He is enough. He is in me and I am in Him. And there, in His presence, the battery of my soul finds its charge that will not drain.
What causes that to happen? Some days it's fine. Other days, I'm 2 feet from my power cord at all times. No social distancing for us.
I have found that the culprit is usually some app, unbeknownst to me, running in the background, zapping my phone without me ever noticing.
And that is what life since March 2020 has felt like to me.
Whether I am aware of it or not, and I'm usually not because I have a gift for being woefully out of touch with my thoughts and feelings, there are so many things going on in the background of my life that have caused my tank to drain more quickly than usual.
I think you'll relate to some of these things:
-The constant concern of which surfaces I have touched, trying not to touch my face, and incessantly washing my hands.
-Constantly gauging how far 6 feet is.
-To return to church or not to return to church?
-The debate about whether I should visit a friend in real life. What if I get them sick? What if I get sick?
-Calculating every errand so it is the safest and most efficient.
-Navigating differing values on how to engage with COVID.
-Seeing posts on social media that grate against my very being, and deciding whether I want to just roll my eyes and move on, or put the energy into a conversation, knowing we are going to disagree.
-Racial injustice and tensions at the forefront, and figuring out whether I am checking out or fighting the good fight. Am I responding like Jesus would respond? Am I loving like He does?
-Feeling the tension of resting because we are in a global pandemic and taking advantage of every opportunity since I have a summer at home.
-Remembering to mask-up when I pop in a store to grab something.
The list goes on and on. And without me even realizing it, those tensions and thoughts are doing extra work in the background of my life without me really paying attention. I just know I feel like staying in bed all day, even though I don't "feel depressed".
But even more than those things, I have seen throughout my whole life, a pattern of thoughts that, like an app running in the background of my mind, are slowly draining the life from me.
-Am I doing enough?
-Is there something wrong with me?
-Am I worthy and deserving of love?
-Am I a fraud?
-Do people really like me?
-Would they want to be around me still if they knew the FULL picture?
This, I find, is the constantly line of questioning that resides in the background of my life. Of every decision. Every interaction.
Am I enough?
And it is draining the life out of me.
So, what do I do?
I wish I had a 3-step guide to finding these energy drains and living at 100% all the time.
How to work your way out of spiritual fatigue. Try harder. Figure it out.
But that's probably an indication of why I am where I am in the first place.
Did I mention I am a 3 on the enneagram?
The truth is, I'm still figuring it out. But from everything I see in Scripture, I need help. I need to ask the Lord to examine my heart. I need to take time to just be before Him. He helps me identify the drains. And He is my source of refreshment. And He WANTS to help me.
It is hard for me to allow Him to do this: to convince me that those doubts and questions are worth the effort it takes to identify. That I'm worth the time and energy. And that it's not all up to me, but He wants to meet me, to love me, and to refresh my soul. To remind me of the truth--that what He says about me is the most true thing about me. That it is ok that I am in process. That He loves me for me. Oh, I need Him so desperately. But I am so glad He hasn't left me as an orphan. I'm not on my own.
Romans 8:16-17 says:
The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.
The Spirit of God tells my Spirit that I'm God's child. He does that. I don't have to do it all. He will tell me who I am.
So I can sit and ask Him to remind me that I am His. I am enough because He is enough. He is in me and I am in Him. And there, in His presence, the battery of my soul finds its charge that will not drain.
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