Strength in the Midst of Suffering: For Lacy.
"Chad's gone."
Those words find their way back into my head in the most random moments of silence. They echo throughout my brain in the space of my days. "Chad's gone."
I knew when I listened to the voicemail my mom left at 8:26am on the morning of Tuesday, Sept. 26, that something really bad had happened. I called my mom back, heart pounding, bracing myself for whatever news she would deliver.
Mom: "Hello"
Me: "Hi mom. How's it going?"
Mom: "Well, not so good this morning."
Me: "What happened?"
Mom: "Chad's gone."
Me: "Chad? Gone? How? What happened?"
Mom: "We're not sure."
Me: "I'll be home soon."
So I packed a bag, cancelled all appointments for the week, texted people to pray, and drove home. Many friends called as I drove home to talk and to pray for me and my family, overwhelming me with the support that I have in the body of Christ. But that 1.5 hour long drive had never felt longer.
I'll never forget walking up to the back porch and seeing my baby sister sitting in a chair, shocked with grief, reeling from the sudden loss of her husband.
Hugging my mom as she cried and said "He was the only son I got. I can't believe he's gone."
Chace and grandpa had gone to the store to retrieve the Ninetendo Switch Chad had won at the conference, and grandpa had bought him some new games to play. So I promptly went in the living room to help the little guy set up his new system, and we cuddled on the bean bag chair, played games, talked, cried, then played some more.
The next few days were a blur of errands, decisions, planning, crying, and were marked by the kindness displayed in so many around us. You really do get to see the best of people in the midst of tragedy. It was incredible to see the outpouring of love, encouragment, and generosity of the community around us. A couple pro baseball players Face-timed Chace to encourage him and to let the 7 year old know they were there for him and to stay strong. (The words "Chad would be so jealous" were said so often in this time.) People brought my family meals, friends helped set up trust funds, organized a funeral meal, gave of their time and finances to support Chace and Lacy, sent cards, flowers, and checked in to make sure we were all doing ok. Neighbors invited Chace over for a fun, fall night, the soccer tournament paused for a moment of silence for Chad and honored Chace on the field for playing in the game just days after his dad's funeral. It was evident that Chad and our family were loved and supported. A community came around us.
And in the midst of it all, I wanted to be so strong for them. My family was hurting and mourning. Without warning, their lives had just changed. And there is nothing that makes me feel more helpless than to see the people I love hurting and not being able to change or fix it. If I could, I would. So instead I grieve. I mourn. And I work really hard to do as many helpful and productive things as I could think of. When you don't know what to do, I find you try to find something to do...even if it as small as changing a light bulb.
In the midst of all of this, I have felt the need to be strong for my family, but what has happened is that I have observed a strength in them that I didn't know they had. One thing I have learned through this whole process is how incredible my little sister is. She is a tender-hearted, wise, loving, rock. I have watched her enter into the grief, not avoiding what has happened, but remembering her husband. I have watched her take Chace into her arms and explain to him that his dad won't be back, but that he loved him, and that they would be ok. I watched her bravely go back to the home where Chad had passed that morning, knowing that the longer she waited, the worse it would be. I have watched her allow others to speak truth and kindness into her life. For someone who claims she is "not social", I watched her embrace, encourage, and tenderly care for person after person as they came to pay their respects to Chad and the family...for hours. Lacy has this incredible humility I wish I had, where she actuallly listens to the advice of others and allows people into her life as she grieves. She loves so well and I have never been more impressed by her grace and strength than I am right now. And I have no doubt that I will only see this more and more in years to come.
So sister, this one's for you. I look up to you. I admire you. And I love you a whole lot.
And as your big sis, I want to encourage you that you need not be strong in and of yourself. I want you to know that you need not be Chace's rock. I want to let you know that you are not alone. Yes, you have an incredible family (Mom and Dad---you are freakin' rockstars and I can't even begin to tell you how immensely grateful I am for you. Seriously.) You have an awesome boss at the library. You have an incredible community.You have thoughtful neighbors. But even better is this---You have an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving God. You have a God who promises in Hebrews 13:5 that He will never leave or forsake you. You have a God who says "Come to me, all who labor and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) You have a God who says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9).
And I'm going to be honest...there are days where this is hard to believe. And if you're like me, you'll question His goodness and His care. And you'll ask, "Why did you let this happen, God? Don't you love me? I surely wouldn't allow the things you allow."
There will be wrestling. And I wish I could tell you the "why", but I can't. I hate that this happened. I really do. But I do know this...God is still good. I don't know why He lets things happen that are painful and hard and seem senseless. But I do know that He loves us. And I know this because of Jesus..."What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:31-32)
God grieves with you. His heart hurts with yours. He knows the pain of loss. It was on the cross that we see the extent of God's empathy and where we see the depths of His love. God allowed His son to die on the cross, that we might have eternal life in Him, if we only believe and look to Him. He loves you. He is your strength. He is your rock. And as I had to sing last week at church (even though I really didn't feel like it and mom and I were a bit of a blubbering mess, as you could imagine), He is your good, good father. And He has been and will always be Chace's good, good father.
And we have hope. Here is our true hope. One day Jesus will return and this is what He promises. (Revelation 21:1-5)
Those words find their way back into my head in the most random moments of silence. They echo throughout my brain in the space of my days. "Chad's gone."
I knew when I listened to the voicemail my mom left at 8:26am on the morning of Tuesday, Sept. 26, that something really bad had happened. I called my mom back, heart pounding, bracing myself for whatever news she would deliver.
Mom: "Hello"
Me: "Hi mom. How's it going?"
Mom: "Well, not so good this morning."
Me: "What happened?"
Mom: "Chad's gone."
Me: "Chad? Gone? How? What happened?"
Mom: "We're not sure."
Me: "I'll be home soon."
So I packed a bag, cancelled all appointments for the week, texted people to pray, and drove home. Many friends called as I drove home to talk and to pray for me and my family, overwhelming me with the support that I have in the body of Christ. But that 1.5 hour long drive had never felt longer.
I'll never forget walking up to the back porch and seeing my baby sister sitting in a chair, shocked with grief, reeling from the sudden loss of her husband.
Hugging my mom as she cried and said "He was the only son I got. I can't believe he's gone."
Chace and grandpa had gone to the store to retrieve the Ninetendo Switch Chad had won at the conference, and grandpa had bought him some new games to play. So I promptly went in the living room to help the little guy set up his new system, and we cuddled on the bean bag chair, played games, talked, cried, then played some more.
The next few days were a blur of errands, decisions, planning, crying, and were marked by the kindness displayed in so many around us. You really do get to see the best of people in the midst of tragedy. It was incredible to see the outpouring of love, encouragment, and generosity of the community around us. A couple pro baseball players Face-timed Chace to encourage him and to let the 7 year old know they were there for him and to stay strong. (The words "Chad would be so jealous" were said so often in this time.) People brought my family meals, friends helped set up trust funds, organized a funeral meal, gave of their time and finances to support Chace and Lacy, sent cards, flowers, and checked in to make sure we were all doing ok. Neighbors invited Chace over for a fun, fall night, the soccer tournament paused for a moment of silence for Chad and honored Chace on the field for playing in the game just days after his dad's funeral. It was evident that Chad and our family were loved and supported. A community came around us.
And in the midst of it all, I wanted to be so strong for them. My family was hurting and mourning. Without warning, their lives had just changed. And there is nothing that makes me feel more helpless than to see the people I love hurting and not being able to change or fix it. If I could, I would. So instead I grieve. I mourn. And I work really hard to do as many helpful and productive things as I could think of. When you don't know what to do, I find you try to find something to do...even if it as small as changing a light bulb.
In the midst of all of this, I have felt the need to be strong for my family, but what has happened is that I have observed a strength in them that I didn't know they had. One thing I have learned through this whole process is how incredible my little sister is. She is a tender-hearted, wise, loving, rock. I have watched her enter into the grief, not avoiding what has happened, but remembering her husband. I have watched her take Chace into her arms and explain to him that his dad won't be back, but that he loved him, and that they would be ok. I watched her bravely go back to the home where Chad had passed that morning, knowing that the longer she waited, the worse it would be. I have watched her allow others to speak truth and kindness into her life. For someone who claims she is "not social", I watched her embrace, encourage, and tenderly care for person after person as they came to pay their respects to Chad and the family...for hours. Lacy has this incredible humility I wish I had, where she actuallly listens to the advice of others and allows people into her life as she grieves. She loves so well and I have never been more impressed by her grace and strength than I am right now. And I have no doubt that I will only see this more and more in years to come.
So sister, this one's for you. I look up to you. I admire you. And I love you a whole lot.
And as your big sis, I want to encourage you that you need not be strong in and of yourself. I want you to know that you need not be Chace's rock. I want to let you know that you are not alone. Yes, you have an incredible family (Mom and Dad---you are freakin' rockstars and I can't even begin to tell you how immensely grateful I am for you. Seriously.) You have an awesome boss at the library. You have an incredible community.You have thoughtful neighbors. But even better is this---You have an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving God. You have a God who promises in Hebrews 13:5 that He will never leave or forsake you. You have a God who says "Come to me, all who labor and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) You have a God who says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9).
And I'm going to be honest...there are days where this is hard to believe. And if you're like me, you'll question His goodness and His care. And you'll ask, "Why did you let this happen, God? Don't you love me? I surely wouldn't allow the things you allow."
There will be wrestling. And I wish I could tell you the "why", but I can't. I hate that this happened. I really do. But I do know this...God is still good. I don't know why He lets things happen that are painful and hard and seem senseless. But I do know that He loves us. And I know this because of Jesus..."What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:31-32)
God grieves with you. His heart hurts with yours. He knows the pain of loss. It was on the cross that we see the extent of God's empathy and where we see the depths of His love. God allowed His son to die on the cross, that we might have eternal life in Him, if we only believe and look to Him. He loves you. He is your strength. He is your rock. And as I had to sing last week at church (even though I really didn't feel like it and mom and I were a bit of a blubbering mess, as you could imagine), He is your good, good father. And He has been and will always be Chace's good, good father.
And we have hope. Here is our true hope. One day Jesus will return and this is what He promises. (Revelation 21:1-5)
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
I wish I could sit down and tell you all these things in person, but my guess is that I would just cry the whole time and words wouldn't come out. So I'll tell you here---out in the social media public---because I want everyone else to know how highly I think of you. So, my sister, I love you, I'm here and I am praying God will lead and sustain you and Chace.
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