just another way i'm failing...
with a debbie downer title like that, this has got to be good! so i started this new blog because i thought the layouts were pretty and i really enjoy reading about how my friends are doing. and katie, i read your blog regularly and it is such a source of entertainment for me. i'm a little afraid you're going to start charging to read your blog, it's that good. i don't have a lot of money, but i think i'd be worth it. and if only i was a better friend and returned the favor by updating my blog, but i don't have a lot of blog-worthy stuff to say. and by blog-worthy, i might just mean funny. in fact, i haven't felt very funny these days. and that used to mean, "i don't feel like myself these days", but i'm learning that i'm a little more than the funny girl.
what it comes down to is this: i'm learning a lot about myself this year. for about 25 years i went along thinking i was this really relaxed, carefree girl who just liked to have fun. actually, to put it more accurately, i went along not really thinking about who i was. i didn't think about what i liked or didn't like, how i felt about things, and i certainly didn't go digging down into the deep recesses of my mind and personhood. nope. i just enjoyed the moment. i lived for the moment. i didn't have a great grasp on who i really was. and in a series of unfortunate (or fortunate...this really is a glass empty/full debate, which i find a lot less annoying than the ole "carmel/car-a-mel debate, but i digress...) events, i've gotten to know myself better than i ever have before. and i learned i'm not as fun as i thought i was. and more than that, i've learned that i'm complex and a little jacked up... just like everyone else.
i think most people assume i'm a messy person in the cleaning respect. and they assume that i'm pretty laid back. and i wanted to believe that, but then i watched myself and realized, i'm a little uptight. there's a little more angela martin in me than i prefer to admit. and for those office fans, i watched a great webisode on nbc.com where angela kinney speaks on her character, angela martin. someone asked her why her character, angela, who is supposed to be a christian, has found herself torn between dwight and andy. and i was impressed by the way angela explained, uh, angela. she said that angela knew what the safe, right choice was to make. she wanted to live by the straight and narrow, she had a plan for her life, it all fit together with a pretty ribbon wrapped around it, but for some reason, she has this thing for dwight that just doesn't fit into her life plan. she just can't explain it. now, why am i talking about the office? well, i think it goes to show that even in hilarious, seemingly superficial shows like the office, we see the complexity of being a human. and i can identify with an uptight accountant like angela, who, at first glance, i would say i was the complete opposite of. although i can be fun, i can also be serious. and although i am laid back about some ideas, i'm also pretty rigid when it comes to others. and when it comes to chores, i can be a bit of a nazi. and although i thrive on performing for the masses, i'd rather just sit back and have a heart-to-heart with a friend. the truth is, there are things in my life that don't fit in with what i know and believe. there are thoughts, ideas, and feelings that don't seem to be the ideas, thoughts and feelings i "should" have. but just because i can't explain them, wrap them up in a pretty little box and tie it all together with a ribbon, and just because they don't seem like they're how i "should" feel or think, doesn't mean that they aren't legitimate. and this is something i've got to wrestle through.
for a girl who likes things put away, who likes to have an explanation for everything, and who likes to have her stuff together, i've been asked to keep it messy for a while. i've moved into a new house, figuratively, and i've been asked to keep my life in the boxes. and although it's incredibly uncomfortable living in the transition, i'm growing. and i'm learning that it's ok to be messy. and it's ok to not have it all together. and even more than that, i've seen how when you open yourself up and admit that you're a complete wreck, that's when the Lord comes in and shows you how He's the One who's holding you together. it was never that crappy ribbon of keeping up appearances that kept you together. it was never denying emotions, being carefree and fun, or being the "missionary" that kept you together. it was never hiding the truth that kept you together. the only way any of us make it through this world at all is simply the grace of God. He's the one who holds everything together. including me. and that's a vulnerable place to be. but it's real. and i'm a big fan of real these days.
so good luck following that train of thought. and upon reading it you may be concerned about ow i'm doing. and the truth is, i'm doing really well. life is hard, but i'm the most authentic i've ever been before. i'm seeing God more clearly than i ever have before. and i'm clinging to the Truth of the Bible more than i ever have before. i like being messy because i like being real. and real people have real issues. and i think one of the most freeing things in the world is to let others in on your junk. and i've learned that offering up your junk to someone makes it really easy for them to unload some burdens as well. and isn't that why we need each other, anyway?
what it comes down to is this: i'm learning a lot about myself this year. for about 25 years i went along thinking i was this really relaxed, carefree girl who just liked to have fun. actually, to put it more accurately, i went along not really thinking about who i was. i didn't think about what i liked or didn't like, how i felt about things, and i certainly didn't go digging down into the deep recesses of my mind and personhood. nope. i just enjoyed the moment. i lived for the moment. i didn't have a great grasp on who i really was. and in a series of unfortunate (or fortunate...this really is a glass empty/full debate, which i find a lot less annoying than the ole "carmel/car-a-mel debate, but i digress...) events, i've gotten to know myself better than i ever have before. and i learned i'm not as fun as i thought i was. and more than that, i've learned that i'm complex and a little jacked up... just like everyone else.
i think most people assume i'm a messy person in the cleaning respect. and they assume that i'm pretty laid back. and i wanted to believe that, but then i watched myself and realized, i'm a little uptight. there's a little more angela martin in me than i prefer to admit. and for those office fans, i watched a great webisode on nbc.com where angela kinney speaks on her character, angela martin. someone asked her why her character, angela, who is supposed to be a christian, has found herself torn between dwight and andy. and i was impressed by the way angela explained, uh, angela. she said that angela knew what the safe, right choice was to make. she wanted to live by the straight and narrow, she had a plan for her life, it all fit together with a pretty ribbon wrapped around it, but for some reason, she has this thing for dwight that just doesn't fit into her life plan. she just can't explain it. now, why am i talking about the office? well, i think it goes to show that even in hilarious, seemingly superficial shows like the office, we see the complexity of being a human. and i can identify with an uptight accountant like angela, who, at first glance, i would say i was the complete opposite of. although i can be fun, i can also be serious. and although i am laid back about some ideas, i'm also pretty rigid when it comes to others. and when it comes to chores, i can be a bit of a nazi. and although i thrive on performing for the masses, i'd rather just sit back and have a heart-to-heart with a friend. the truth is, there are things in my life that don't fit in with what i know and believe. there are thoughts, ideas, and feelings that don't seem to be the ideas, thoughts and feelings i "should" have. but just because i can't explain them, wrap them up in a pretty little box and tie it all together with a ribbon, and just because they don't seem like they're how i "should" feel or think, doesn't mean that they aren't legitimate. and this is something i've got to wrestle through.
for a girl who likes things put away, who likes to have an explanation for everything, and who likes to have her stuff together, i've been asked to keep it messy for a while. i've moved into a new house, figuratively, and i've been asked to keep my life in the boxes. and although it's incredibly uncomfortable living in the transition, i'm growing. and i'm learning that it's ok to be messy. and it's ok to not have it all together. and even more than that, i've seen how when you open yourself up and admit that you're a complete wreck, that's when the Lord comes in and shows you how He's the One who's holding you together. it was never that crappy ribbon of keeping up appearances that kept you together. it was never denying emotions, being carefree and fun, or being the "missionary" that kept you together. it was never hiding the truth that kept you together. the only way any of us make it through this world at all is simply the grace of God. He's the one who holds everything together. including me. and that's a vulnerable place to be. but it's real. and i'm a big fan of real these days.
so good luck following that train of thought. and upon reading it you may be concerned about ow i'm doing. and the truth is, i'm doing really well. life is hard, but i'm the most authentic i've ever been before. i'm seeing God more clearly than i ever have before. and i'm clinging to the Truth of the Bible more than i ever have before. i like being messy because i like being real. and real people have real issues. and i think one of the most freeing things in the world is to let others in on your junk. and i've learned that offering up your junk to someone makes it really easy for them to unload some burdens as well. and isn't that why we need each other, anyway?
Comments
Remember when I became Reclusive and Snappy Katie? I think you just summarized exactly what I was feeling and thinking during that time. Except I didn't handle it well. At all.
And, sorry to disappoint you, I've never thought of you as just a funny girl. You were my friend who I could share things with that I would never share with anyone else because you are compassionate and empathetic and a great listener and (don't laugh) very wise in counseling people. It's just icing on the cake that you are also freakin' hilarious.
This post also proves that we need to catch up. I miss you.